


P.S. I Love You

by Alania



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Finn deserved better than this fic and I am sorry, Grief/Mourning, I Blame Tumblr, M/M, More angst than you'd expect from a Stormpilot fic, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prompt Fic, Stormpilot, X-Wing(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 16:21:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9450116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alania/pseuds/Alania
Summary: Inspired by a Stormpilot prompt on Tumblr, as well as the (obvious) inspiration of the movie P.S. I Love You:The guilt of an accidental missed communication convinces Poe to record messages for Finn to listen to while he's gone on a long-term mission, in order to make up for his mistake.Alternatively:Poe and Finn love each other very very very very very very very very very much and no one is surprised.





	

Poe barely registered the half-murmured words, muffled to distortion through the X-Wing he was hidden underneath. 

“Say again?” He called out to the pair of boots he saw from where he laid. The fuel pump was shaking, threatening to explode in his face if he didn’t give it every ounce of his attention. So when the words came again, he was too singularly focused on prying open the intake valve to register what he was hearing, or who was saying it.

“Hang on a sec buddy, this is kind of important.”

There was a wheeze of air, and the fuel pump stilled, finally at peace. Poe breathed a sigh of relief and let his tools fall out of his hands to clatter to the floor, breathing through the adrenaline pumping through his veins. An explosion like that could have left him disfigured; a fate he wasn’t keen on accepting. He smiled up at his handiwork, and let his mind clear just enough to remember there was someone trying to talk to him.

When he looked for the boots that he’d seen under the edge of his X-Wing, they were gone. He furrowed his eyebrows, back-tracking to try and remember what he’d heard, and it easily dawned on him.

He rolled out from under the X-Wing, laying flat on the creeper he’d been using, and stared wide-eyed at the spot where that person had been. BB-8 rolled hard into the side of his boot, demanding his attention.

“Is that who I think it was?” Poe asked the droid, who chirped sharp in admonishment.

“Did he say what I think he said?” He continued, rewarded with a slower, almost sad mechanical coo. Poe’s face crunched up in regret, and he pushed himself off of the creeper to get on his feet. He crouched in front of BB-8, and patted his round head gently.

“All right. Let’s go, BB-8. We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us if I’ve got any chance at all of making this right.”

* * *

It felt so petty, not saying goodbye. Finn should have known better. He should have _been_ better. It was stupid, and petty, and more than a little mean to let Poe leave for his mission without seeking him out, or at least giving him the chance to find him. But those words still hung heavy in his mind, leaving him bitter and rash and withdrawn every time he thought of it.

_I love you._

_Hang on a sec buddy, this is kind of important._

Maybe he should have waited for a better moment. He could have told him in bed, flush from one last night together, and let him leave knowing exactly how he felt. He could have written a note, or done something less spontaneous than running straight into the hangar bay the _second_ he’d realized it, driving him forward to spill it all out desperately on the floor. He could have waited. He _should_ have waited. This was actually all his fault.

Somehow, that didn’t quite soothe the sting of Poe’s reply.

_This is kind of important._

So was he; or so he’d thought.

Now, he’d have to wait two years to find out.

He felt the rumbled warnings of take-off under his feet, and panicked, running to the hangar bay as fast as he could. He was wheezing with shortness of breath when he finally made it outside, just in time to see the engines burst with flames that sent three ships lurching forward, zipping up into the air and out of sight. He could still hear them in the air above the hangars, as the sound of Poe’s departure slowly faded away.

He was too late.

Finn stood in the empty hangar bay, ignoring the furtive glances Jess was throwing him from across the way, and eventually turned on his heel to leave. BB-8 bumped his rolling body softly against his leg, jostling Finn for attention. The droid let out a low, long-held hum.

“Not now, BB-8.” Finn said, shooing him away half-heartedly. BB-8 let him pass, but as Finn disappeared out of the hangar bay, the droid began to follow.

Finn could hear the rumbling roll behind him. Eventually, he stopped, and BB-8 accidentally slammed into the back of his legs. Still, he didn’t turn around.

“I said not _now_ , BB-8. I wanna be alone for a while. Get it? Alone.”

Taking BB-8’s silence as understanding, he continued forward. To his dismay, the rolling sound behind him continued.

Tired, heartsick, and full of bitter shame, Finn finally turned around and waved his arms wildly. “WHAT?” He screamed, startling BB-8 into rolling backwards out of armshot. “What do you want? Why are you following me? You’re his droid, not mine. His.”

Finn’s voice betrayed the shake of emotion that was beginning to tear him down from the inside. BB-8 only served as another reminder of Poe, and of how awfully Finn had handled the situation. For all he knew now, Poe considered his abandonment to be the end of their relationship. Now he was gone, and Finn had no one else to blame but himself.

BB-8 beeped, frantically trying to convey something to the man. Exhausted from his own emotional turmoil, Finn lowered himself down to his knees and crouched there, pouting thickly at the droid in front of him.

“You know I can’t speak Binary that well yet. Slow down. Just, like, one word at a time. Go easy on me.”

BB-8 only needed one word to express to Finn why he was following, and when he beeped it out with slow and careful precision, Finn’s watery eyes widened.

“Is it from him?” Finn whispered, receiving a chirp of affirmation. Maybe he wouldn’t have to wait two years to find out if his shaky, half-formed relationship was already over or not.

“Come on.” He called out, excitement and fear simultaneously thrilling through his blood as he hopped to his feet. “Let’s go inside.”

* * *

He’d only just closed the door when BB-8 began to project Poe’s message. Finn hadn’t turned his lights on yet, but the room was awash in the soft haze of blue that the holo-projection caused, so he left them off to see it better. From where he stood, he could see Poe’s back, bent at the waist and rising up to stand straight. Finn circled the droid slowly, never letting Poe’s image out of his sight.

Poe was staring straight ahead as though he assumed Finn would be there. To compensate, Finn moved quicker and met Poe’s eyeline just as he started speaking.

“Hey, Finn.” He breathed out, one hand rubbing nervously at the back of his head.

“Hey.” Finn breathed out, instantly chuckling with embarrassment at his instinctive reply.

“So, where to start. Starting’s always the hardest part of something, isn’t it? See I don’t have a lot of time and I’ve got a lot to say, so maybe I’ll skip all the awkward pleasantries next time and just get straight to the point.”

Next time?

“I’m sorry. Like, real sorry. That was some awful timing back there, and I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to talk to me again. BB-8’ll listen to you from now on if you tell it not to play a message, but I’m kind of banking on your sense of forgiveness here, so bear with me.”

Finn slumped down to sit on the bed, losing Poe’s eyeline so that the holo-projection looked as if it was speaking to someone just over his head. He needed to be sitting down for this, though. The fact that Poe had made him messages to keep him company struck a blow so heavy to Finn’s heart that it had him struggling to breathe right. He shouldn’t have let that man leave without a proper goodbye.

But at least some good came out of it.

“I wish I could have told you how I feel in person, but I guess that means we’re even now. This isn’t easy for me to say; you know why. That’s why we were keeping it loose and easy. I didn’t want anything to get weird between us, in case.” Poe ran a hand through his hair, and Finn watched with bubbling jealousy. Kriff, that hair. “Just in case.” Poe continued, smiling wide and crooked with embarrassment. 

“But uh, all those _just in case_ s got away from us real fast, didn’t they? I guess I knew it was happening. I did, but then this mission was assigned and I knew I’d be leaving you alone for two years and I just thought, hey, maybe you’d be better off not feeling as attached until I come back. I thought I was being real smart. Turns out I was a complete idiot.”

The sound of Poe’s voice lulled Finn, so he lowered down to lay on the bed, settling his hands under his head. He was smiling, even if he didn’t realize it, and the more Poe’s voice slipped under his skin, the more his heart began to swell.

He was in love with this man. He’d already known it for so long, but this reaction, this tangible _feeling_ coursing through him was like - probably like the Force felt to Rey, when she got all weird and floaty and showed him what new powers she’d been practicing. She looked like it was filling her with something she’d been sorely missing her entire life.

Poe’s voice did that for him.

“So, here goes. Deep breath in, out, no big deal. Y’know what I’m about to say already. At least I hope you do.” Poe was fidgeting and stalling, made obvious by the way he tapped his fingers on his side and bit his lip. It made Finn chuckle, quiet enough not to miss it in case Poe slipped it in while he laughed.

He didn’t miss it.

“I love you. And if I could go back in time, and tell it to your boots standing there waiting for me to hear you, I would. Because, uh, kriff, Finn - I’m going to miss you so much while I’m gone.”

Finn felt a phantom grip tighten around his heart at the desperation in Poe’s voice, and chuckles turned to shuddering, quiet sobs in a heartbeat. Why did he let Poe go without a goodbye? Why?

“Okay. I’ve got more of these to make so I should end this one - but listen, one last thing.”

Finn sniffed, hard, and forced himself silent to hear it.

“Take care of BB-8 while I’m gone. I know you don’t understand it just yet but I expect you to be an expert at Binary by the time I come back, and BB-8’s the best way to practice that. Plus, and it’ll never admit this, but it gets real lonely when I’m gone. But the truth is, I’m glad I left it with you. So, yeah. Keep this little guy company while I’m gone, okay?”

Finn flickered his eyes at BB-8 for a moment, before returning them to the blue haze holding Poe’s smiling face.

“Okay.” Finn whispered, no longer embarrassed that Poe couldn’t actually hear him.

“That’s it for now. Get to work on Binary, and no sulking while I’m gone. If somebody takes a liking to you, well, that’s your decision of course - but if you still feel the same way you did earlier today, then maybe just go ahead and tell them that ol’ Poe Dameron’s the only one for you.”

Finn flashed a toothy white smile at the cocky inflection in Poe’s voice. He felt like he was falling in love with him all over again, just from the sound of his voice.

“Time to go. I don’t want to say goodbye, though. I hate goodbyes. How should I end these things if I can’t say goodbye, BB-8?” He was asking the droid as it was recording, and Finn could hear BB-8’s sharp whistle of reply, followed by a rumble. He couldn’t understand what BB-8 had said, but whatever it was had Poe grinning hard and brilliant, the kind of grin that had the power to turn Finn’s thoughts to static.

“Right. P.S. I love you.”

The blue haze of the projection flickered, and Poe’s image faded away into darkness.

Finn sat there for several minutes, letting the weight of the silence take its toll on his mournful loneliness, before he pushed himself up to a seated position and reached out to put his hand on BB-8’s dome.

“Hey. Thanks.” He murmured, garnering several shy beeps in response. “Sorry for blowing up on you back there. I was uh - well, whatever, the point is it was dumb and you didn’t deserve it. Especially after giving up your seat on that trip to stick with me.”

BB-8 hummed melodically, lifting its tones in a question and going slow enough for him to catch the gist of what it was trying to say.

“Yeah you can.” Finn promised. “Until Poe’s back, you and me are inseparable. Okay, you ready to practice some Binary with me?”

BB-8 squealed so high, Finn’s ears rang with the sound of it.

“Good. But first, do me one favor.” He let his hand fall, and laid back down on the bed again. “Play it for me again. Just one more time.”

* * *

He was used to sleeping alone. It never felt quite right when Poe stayed overnight, despite how easily he could fall asleep in those arms. He always woke up in a panic, worried that he was tossing and turning or snoring or kicking - in truth, he just assumed he was impossible to sleep with, despite the fact that he was the one always waking up in the middle of the night, and not Poe. 

He was better off alone, where he felt least troublesome. This fear grew exponentially when Poe experienced his first night dealing with Finn’s nightmares.

He knew he’d scared Poe senseless when he’d woken up screaming, clawing the sheets as though still searching for his weapon. It had taken almost twenty minutes to bring Finn down completely from the panic that hellish landscape spawned, but Poe had never once complained, even when he woke up the next morning to start his day after only a few hours of sleep.

Finn knew better. And it was a much harder struggle to convince him to let Poe stay overnight, after that. The only times Poe had managed it was when their night together brought Finn to the brink of over-exhaustion, and he all but collapsed in Poe’s arms.

These were acceptable losses, he thought. On those nights, aching and sweaty and completely blissed out, Finn could manage a deep, dreamless sleep anyway.

Finn had been alone for three months before the first night terror since Poe had left finally reared its ugly face. Finn had almost forgotten how hard they were to deal with, until he was banging his hands against the back wall, screaming for someone to let him out and set him free. His fingertips turned red and angry as he scratched them against the duracrete over and over, begging a phantom of whatever prison he was being held in to let him go or kill him already.

It took the better part of a half hour before Finn finally realized where he was, and what he was doing.

When he slunk back down into the covers with battered, throbbing hands, he curled into himself until he could feel his knees knocking against his arms, and he cried.

It was easy to miss the sound of whirring as BB-8 switched on its projection, but the hazy blue light that filled the room was impossible to ignore. When Finn turned around, he saw Poe’s face before he could parse the rest of him, laying down crooked on the bed as his eyes tried to guess where Finn would be. It was absurd, in a way, but when Finn saw the projection stretched out beside him, it had the intended effect. His sobs turned into painful laughter, and he uncurled himself to lie parallel to the image that laid beside him.

“Hey, big deal.” Poe whispered out, as quietly as he knew Finn would need him to be. “It’s okay. I’m right here. I mean, not here here, but I’m here for you. You’re not alone. I don’t know where I am right now, but I can promise you one thing; I’m thinking about you right now. I’m always thinking about you. Worrying about you. And I gotta tell you something, babe. I know you hate it when you wake me up with one of your dreams, but it tears me up inside that you try to deal with all this alone. I don’t want that, you gotta know I don’t. I want to be there with you, every night, and when your dreams come for you I want to be the one chasing them away. So don’t chase me away anymore, please. Let me be here for you from now on. It’s what I want, Finn.”

Finn reached out to brush his hand across the projection, distorting it with his touch, and imagined he could feel the day old stubble prickling across Poe’s chin.

“If you’d let me, I’d like to be there every day. I know it’s a big step, so, no rush on answering. Just - y’know. Think about it. It’d put me over the moon if you said yes.”

Poe wanted to move in with him. He wanted to be there every night, even the nights where they just tumble into bed and fall asleep without a single stroke of affection. Even the nights where Finn still woke up screaming. Especially those nights.

He felt Poe’s absence like an ache against his skin, and he knew when the pilot returned from his mission, Finn’s answer would be a desperate _yes_.

“This message will play anytime you have a nightmare while I’m gone, so just tell BB-8 to cut it out if you get sick of me.” Poe laughed, winking playfully before he pressed two fingers to his lips and kissed them, then pointed them towards Finn. “P.S.”, He whispered. “I love you.”

* * *

Half a year’d gone by, and all Finn got were repeats of Poe’s first two messages. It began to wear at him, as the time stretched and yawned ahead of him frustratingly. The communications team had little in the way of contact with Poe’s task force, which left Finn aching for information that simply wasn’t there to be given. He’d turned sour with impatience, and the tenuous friendships he’d begun to make with the other members of the Resistance were starting to feel the toll of his resentment.

When he ate, he ate alone. The last person who’d tried to come talk to him - Kaydel, who must have drawn the short straw that day - had been sent back to their table within seconds, mortified. Now, they left him alone.

He caught Jess trying to catch his eye one too many times, and he couldn’t fathom why, but the possibility of eating in his rooms had just started to take root in his mind when the third message came.

“Hey, buddy.”

Finn turned his head to see Poe sitting at the table beside him, and the surprise of it made him scream. He coughed away to stifle it, but the conversation across the room had already quieted as they stared at him and Poe’s projection for a moment, before a stern look from him had them all returning their attention to their food.

“This is one of those times where I’m glad BB-8’s personality chip is modified so well. Otherwise I think droids would have trouble trying to sense when someone’s getting antsy. I hope this one reaches you later, rather than sooner, because I told it to watch for signs that you were getting angry at other people, and the longer you lasted before that happens the better. Maybe you never get angry at anybody. Who knows? But I know I’d be acting like an ass if you were gone for two years - hell, you should feel sorry for the crew that came with me on this mission. Can you imagine what a terror I’m being right now? That’s some rotten luck on them!”

Poe’s laughter felt like a balm, soothing the cracks that had already begun to fissure in Finn’s bruised heart. He smiled, helpless to react, and soaked in every feature of Poe’s face on this new holo. 

It wasn’t fair how beautiful Poe Dameron was. If he was just a little less perfect, maybe it would be easier to live without him for two years. Maybe Finn wouldn’t miss the sound of his voice so very much if it didn’t sound like actual euphoria every time he spoke. 

“Why couldn’t you be ugly.” Finn whispered under his breath, cracking a smile even as he said it. 

“So I’m here to ask you another favor. And it’s a big one, but don’t turn me down just yet. I know you’ll argue and fight with me over this but the truth is, I know what I’m talking about. And I can’t actually hear you, so save it.” 

Finn prickled at the command, ready to argue with a projection regardless.

“But these are good people here in the Resistance. Hell, you know that, you started to get in good around here. Don’t push them away, Finn. You need them. And if anything’s going to make this time go faster for both of us, it’s going to be friendships. Ah, don’t say it.” Poe’s hand had risen to shut Finn up - but Finn hadn’t been preparing to say anything. “I know Rey’s your friend, and that’s great and all, but she’s not going to always be there. She’s got her own stuff to work out, and that means leaving you alone. But the Resistance isn’t going anywhere. And they could use a good guy like you on their side, in and out of the fight. You’re the kindest, funniest guy I’ve ever met, and I don’t want to be the reason that’s not the case right now. So do me a favor, big deal. Go make some friends. And be _nice_ to them.”

Finn slumped his shoulders in dismay. This was the first message from Poe that he actually didn’t completely enjoy; but that didn’t make him any less right.

“P.S.” Poe leaned in, and instinctively Finn bent his head to come closer as well. His eyes fluttered, entranced as he watched Poe’s lips move around his next few words.

“I love you.”

Then he was gone, and BB-8 was bent up to look at him, almost expectantly. It said nothing, it just waited, and Finn stared it down for a good minute before blowing a breath out in exasperation.

“ _Fine._ ”

He was up before he could second guess himself, stomping over to the table filled with people and placing his tray down before he sat in the seat in front of it. The table fell into silence once more, turning curious and pity-filled eyes towards him. 

This was the last thing Finn wanted. Poe was wrong; trying to make friends right now was a terrible idea.

Then, as suddenly as he’d thought it, Jess leaned in and spoke just a little louder than necessary. “I can’t believe he left you messages. Is he for real? He’d better not have you watering his plants or something - because if he is, you have my full approval to kick his ass and send him packing.”

Beside her he heard laughter, tempered by hesitance as the group watched for his reaction. When Jess’ comments cracked a smile out of him, the laughter burst out more genuinely, followed by a handful of people at the other end of the table asking those near them what was so funny.

“No, just babysitting.” Finn admitted, earning him a hard-edged squeal of disdain from BB-8 that set the group into another fit of laughter. “Whoa, unnecessary, I was just kidding!” He yelped out, rubbing his ears. “BB-8’s a treat to hang out with. That’s probably why I stayed away from you lot for so long.”

Jess reached over and grabbed him by the head, playfully pushing his head down until he knocked her away with waving hands and started yelling about a fair fight. It wasn’t enough to entirely dissipate the tension between Finn and those who’d seen him struggle for the last few months, but it was a promising start.

* * *

The news came to him first. 

It came in the form of General Organa herself, knocking on his door, asking to come inside and talk to him, pitting his stomach in knots. He wondered if there would ever be a good reason for the General to visit someone like this, and he would have felt pity for the woman who bore the heavy weight of that burden if he could.

But he couldn’t. Because it was his door she was knocking on, this time. There was no room for pity, here.

Missing in action, she’d said. No contact, no confirmation. They were sending a search party to investigate but there was no guarantee that they would find anything at the last known coordinates they’d received a transmission from. To General Organa, and the rest of the Resistance, this was considered a total loss until proven otherwise.

And Finn was treated like a widow, despite having only been publicly associated with the man for a year. He was given a key to Poe’s quarters (unnecessary, he already had one) and access to the mission reports they’d received prior to the task force going missing. Then he was given time, and solitude. Those were the only two things he truly needed, if he was going to be honest with himself.

He closed the door behind him, and turned immediately to stare at BB-8. His eyes had rimmed red with the threat of tears, but he waited expectantly as if he knew something would happen.

Nothing did.

“What? No message? He didn’t think to leave one in case he didn’t make it back? In case he - “

Finn interrupted himself with a choked sob. Of course he hadn’t. Poe would never be that morbid. He hated to say goodbye.

The silence, marred only by the sound of BB-8’s small body tilting downward in mourning, finally broke Finn. He dropped down hard on his knees, crumpled his face against his waiting hands, and screamed.

Poe was right, after all. It would have been better off if Finn had never known how much love he’d just lost.

* * *

Finn was surprised to see an actual calendar inform him a year’d gone by since the last time he saw Poe. He’d lost track of the days. He’d lost track of everything, really. He can’t even remember the last time he’d seen Rey, who’d set off on her own not long after Poe was lost, though in truth the Resistance lost track of her more often than they cared to admit. 

Eating was a chore forced upon him by the more intrusive members of the makeshift family he’d gathered on the Resistance base. Someone was always there to make sure he’d eaten something, especially when he didn’t show up for a drill, or training. There were spurts of inactivity - at times, he threw himself into his work, until he couldn’t see straight from lack of sleep. Other times no one would see him for days, as he locked himself away in Poe’s quarters and replayed old messages until BB-8 begged him to give it some time to recharge. 

The nightmares of battlefields and blood failed to find purchase in his mind anymore, now replaced by equally painful images of Poe, and that gentle voice tormenting him as it promises him that everything's going to be all right. He’s not alone now, it assures him. He doesn’t have to be alone anymore.

When he wakes up, he’s alone, and the memory of Poe is branded a liar.

BB-8 woke up from a long recharge just in time to see Finn pull himself out of bed, and it chirped with questions. Finn ignored it, choosing instead to drag himself into the refresher and take care of his basic needs without conversation. BB-8 rolled impatiently in front of the door, waiting for him to come out - and when he did, the question was asked again.

“I thought you were tired of playing those.” Finn’s scratchy voice mumbled, brushing past the droid to return to his bed. BB-8 slammed itself into Finn’s back legs just as he got to the bed, causing him to collapse down on the mattress in front of him. “What the hell, BB-8? What’s gotten into you?”

One chitter later, Finn was waving his hand sharply. “Play it. I don’t care. Don’t complain to me later when your circuits fry.”

He kept his eyes firmly focused on where he thought the image of Poe would appear. Instead, Poe’s face was closer, in full display, and Finn’s eyes widened.

This was new.

“Hey big deal.” Poe teased out through a sly smile, and Finn shot up like a rocket. “I’ve got a surprise for you. Meet me at the X-Wing bay, Hangar 2. BB-8 knows which ship. This is a two parter, so get over there quick so we can get started. P.S.”

Poe pressed his fingers against his lips again, and the image faded out before he could say another word.

Finn’s mouth had dropped open almost immediately upon hearing the message. When it cut out, he lunged forward to grab BB-8 in both hands, shaking him vigorously.

“ _Why didn’t you tell me you had more messages?_ ” He screamed, earning himself a wild shrill screech from the droid. “How many more are there? BB-8, tell me. COME ON. TELL ME!”

BB-8 yelled back at him, almost incoherently. This was the last one, and his programming had specified to share it one year from Poe’s departure. He’d been specific, BB-8 told him. Specific!

Finn wanted to scream at the droid again. He wanted to plug in and tear the messages out from BB-8’s memory banks, so he would never have to deal with the jittery droid that reminded him too much of what he’d lost. And as soon as the thought had passed his mind, another immediately followed.

Poe would be so disappointed in him, right now. 

His hands flinched away from BB-8 as if he’d been stung.

“M’sorry.” Finn muttered, pulling his arms up around his body. In a sigh, he repeated himself with more determination. “BB-8, I’m sorry. Really. I didn’t mean to yell, shake you, kriff, I am so, so sorry.”

The droid was rolling back and forth on the carpet, unsure of whether or not it trusted him anymore. Finn dropped off of the bed and BB-8 backed away, until Finn’s arms reached up towards him.

“Forgive me?” Finn pleaded with the droid, stretching his fingers out in a beckoning manner. BB-8 rolled back and forth in consideration, holding out a long note of woe before slowly rolling into his arms. Finn wrapped BB-8 up in his embrace and held him for a good long while, before finally pulling away to give him a half-hearted smile.

“Let’s go see what Poe wants. Okay?” Just the sound of Poe’s name seemed to cheer BB-8 up enough to chirp in agreement, and it zipped off ahead of Finn, heading to a specific X-Wing in the hangar.

Finn followed, but he took his time. He wasn’t sure he was ready for this.

The last message, BB-8 had said. He wasn’t ready for the end.

The X-Wing BB-8 had him climbing into was Jessica’s. He didn’t know why he’d been led to it, or what he was supposed to do once he settled himself into the cockpit, but BB-8 whirred the projection to life before he could even pull the cover down, so he left it open while Poe’s form shimmered into view in front of him. He was sitting on the top edge of the viewport, legs disappearing down into Finn’s body, and he was smiling prouder than he’d ever smiled before.

“You ready?” He asked Finn, as he broke out into a grin. “Okay. It’s time you learned to pilot on your own, for once. Lesson one.”

* * *

It briefly struck him around the three hour mark that Poe had sat somewhere and talked into BB-8 with instructions on how to pilot an X-Wing for three hours without stopping. It was an impressive feat, and even though Finn had fallen into a lull of comfort after hours of listening to Poe’s voice, it jarred him to suddenly realize just how much time Poe had put into this.

But as impressed as he was, he silently hoped the recording would go on forever. 

Of course, it couldn’t.

“So this is it, babe. The big one. I know you’re probably wondering why I made BB-8 wait a whole year before it showed you this one, and that’s because I figure you’re going to need something big to get you through this next year. Hopefully you’ve got your friends and BB-8 keeping you going, but we’re only at the halfway mark and boy that even sounds terrifying to me.” Poe laughed, setting Finn’s heart on fire from the warmth of it. “So I spaced it out to make sure you got this when you might need it most. After all, now you’re going to need to spend a year _really_ learning how to fly this thing. I wanna see how good you’ve gotten, when I come back. We’ll go racing, together. Just you and me.”

Finn shuddered, his face wincing in pain.

“Of course, I’ll win, but. Still. It’ll be fun. Right? I did kind of want to teach you myself, but.. I really think you’re going to need this more. So I’m handing you over to the second best pilot in the Resistance.”

A tsk of annoyance behind Finn had him startling in his seat, twisting to see Jess climbing up on the X-Wing to perch on its open side. He stared at her wide eyed, gaping in open surprise.

“She’s going to teach you until I get back home. Remember, I’m counting on you. The next time you’re looking for a pilot, I don’t want you searching for another handsome prisoner to go save.” He thumbed his chest and smirked. “You already got me. Now it’s time you learned how to take care of yourself.”

Finn’s temper began to heat up with frustration. Why was Jess there, now? This was his recording, only his. He felt the selfish need to keep Poe’s voice to himself, like it was some secret treasure that no one else deserved. He had half a mind to ask BB-8 to turn off, or ask Jess to leave.

“Jess should be there by now, so I’ll leave you to it, okay? I promise, if you put your mind to this, the year will just fly by.” Poe grinned, quietly proud of the not so subtle pun. An alarm rang in the distance, and Poe turned his head to hear it, already dropping his helmet onto his head. “It’s time to head out. I’ll see you up there soon, big deal.”

He turned his helmet back towards the camera, and pressed two fingers to his lips. “I love you.”

There it was. The last time he would ever say it to Finn. The projection faded away just in time for Finn to curve his body down off of his seat and lay his head on the controls, as the pain racked through his body. He couldn’t breathe anymore, but that was the least of his worries. How did Poe honestly expect him to take care of himself like this? What was he supposed to do, now that the man he loved was gone?

He didn’t want to learn to fly. He didn’t want to listen to messages anymore. Finn was done trying to get by in a world without Poe. He was done trying to survive.

He was so, so very tired.

He felt a gentle hand against his shoulder, but he didn’t react to it. Jess sighed beside him, and brushed her hand against his back.

“I don’t blame you.” She told him, as if she could somehow read his mind. “If you don’t want to learn to fly. I wouldn’t either. I’m only here because he made me promise. And because he wanted me to give you this.”

Finn felt something small and hard press into his open palm, and he twisted his head to the side to look at it. It was a chip. A recording.

“He sent it as he was leaving. He said he’d forgotten something, and wanted me to give it to you after your lessons were done, but. Like I said, I wouldn’t blame you.”

His fist curled up tightly, bringing the chip to his chest.

Jess stopped brushing her hand against his back, and reached out to cradle his head in one arm. Her cheek pressed against the top of his head, and he let her sit there against him, vainly attempting to comfort someone who could not be comforted.

“I’m so sorry, Finn.” She whispered, turning to kiss the top of his head before uncurling herself and climbing down off of the ship.

He was left with the chip in his hands, the silence, and an empty, leaden heart.

* * *

He wouldn’t ask BB-8 to play the recording, this time. The droid hadn’t left his side for one minute since Poe had left, but when Finn returned to his quarters and picked up his datapad, he heard the quiet, melancholy shuffling of metal rolling against duracrete as BB-8 continued down the hallway, leaving him alone in his room for the first time. Finn watched the door for a moment, as though waiting for the droid to change its mind and come back inside, but it didn’t.

Sucking in a long sigh, Finn flicked on the datapad, entered the chip into its reader, and waited for it to load.

This was the actual last message. There would be no more last minute surprises, this time. Finn could feel it in his bones, in heavy set understanding.

This was the moment when he’d be forced to move on.

The recording crackled to life, and even though Finn knew it would only be audio, his heart clenched with disappointment at the sound of Poe’s voice without the accompanying visual he’d become so used to by now. He let his head rest against the wall behind his bed, and closed his eyes to imagine that face as it spoke to him. The reception was grainy and garbled, but Finn listened carefully enough to catch every word.

“Hey, buddy. I’m so proud of you. You did it! You’re a pilot now, just like me. You don’t need me to fly you around, anymore; but I mean, you still need me for arm candy, right? You can’t deny that. Ah, I only have a sec here so I need to hurry this up, but I realized way too late that you deserved a little something for actually succeeding, and I wanted to be the one to congratulate you. Dumb, I know. I’ll probably be seeing you real soon to do it in person, anyway. We’ll have a great big party, just you and me. I’ll pick up something on the way home to celebrate.”

The transmission went quiet for a moment, and Finn panicked in fear that those would be the last words, but a crackle of noise settled his anxiety as Poe picked up the reception again.

He was speaking quieter, now. That moment of silence had been contemplative, as Poe realized what he was saying.

“I don’t like to admit this.” He murmured, bringing his transmitter closer so Finn could hear his quiet voice. “But I’m not actually as untouchable as I like to think. And this is a dangerous mission we’re flying into. I have full faith in my team and our chances, but I’m starting to worry that I’ve been building you up too much for my return, and that’s a dangerous game to play when you don’t know anything for sure. I’ve got one minute left on this recording, so I’m gonna use to say something to you that I need you to hear in case I don’t come back.”

Finn paused the recording. He didn’t want to hear this. He wasn’t ready for Poe to sound anything less than immortal. There was still a part of him, however small and weak, that believed Poe was alive out there, lost and waiting for someone to save him just like Finn had. He knew the likelihood of that was abysmal. He knew that he was probably listening to the voice of a dead man, ghosting his thoughts over from the past to make an imprint on the present. But if Poe admitted it - if Poe himself started to think that he needed to make plans in case he didn’t make it -

That made it all too real. Finn wanted to stop there, call BB-8 back and listen to old recordings again. He’d been a shell of a person for months now, but somehow, he preferred that to whatever he would be left with if Poe questioned his own mortality, even for one moment.

_In case I don’t come back._

But he’d done that already, hadn’t he? Finn thought he could push back the hands of time and forget that Poe was finally starting to prepare him for what ended up being reality, but he couldn’t forget that he’d already heard those words.

So he pressed play, and held his breath.

“I need you to know how much you've changed me. I didn't think any of this was possible, before you. I didn't believe it. But you made me believe. You made everyone believe, Finn. You saved so many people, just by being you. You saved me, that day on Starkiller, but you kept saving me every day afterward. And for that, I will be eternally grateful. So if you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Doesn't matter if I'm around or not. You've gotta see it. There's so much left for you to do, to change, to save. No matter what, you gotta remember how much I believe in you. And you can't give up. Not ever. 'Cause I'd never give up on you."

Finn's eyes closed, pinching as the pain rode through him in waves, over and over. It figured, the last thing that man would ever say to him would forbid him from doing exactly what he was prepared to do.

"P.S."

Well, not the very last words.

"I will always love you."

Finn dropped the datapad and rubbed his fingertips against his eyes until the pressure hurt more than the pain. When he stopped, he opened his eyes and saw stars in his vision, winking in and out of existence while his eyes struggled to recover.

“Poe Dameron,” Finn whispered up into the air, tense with frustration until he broke out into helpless laughter. “You are a Grade A asshole.”

Then he picked up his datapad again, and pulled open his intranet service, pinging off a terse message to Jessica Pava as quickly as possible.

 _Changed my mind._ It said. _You still up for lessons?_

* * *

When he could remember his dreams, he awoke to realize that they still starred Poe; but opening his eyes to an empty room no longer crippled him the way it used to. He woke up, he breathed, and he stood. He showered, he dressed, he patted BB-8’s head as he walked past, and he left.

He could still see his dreams behind closed eyelids. He heard Poe’s voice better than any message had managed to convey, whispering secrets that were his to keep now. He took one step. He took another. And sometimes, he even smiled.

He carried Poe with him, instead of leaving him behind in dreams that never lasted. He couldn’t tell if it was healthy, or if it would last, but for him, it worked. It wasn’t moving on. But it _was_ moving him forward.

He went to work, training on technical readouts and encryption translation, and he felt himself fitting into the roughly carved out hole he was making for himself in the Resistance. His edges were far from smooth, and he snagged more often than not; but he felt General Organa’s hand resting on his shoulder once in a while, commending him on his work when it was particularly helpful, and he knew Poe would have been proud.

He wasn’t quite living for himself. He hoped that kind of strength would come in time, but there was none of it in him now. Instead, he lived for a memory of something better, and it gave him the courage he needed to get by.

And now, he could fly. The closest he ever felt to Poe was when he was flying. Jess had taught him everything she could, but he was nowhere near skilled enough to join the pilots if he’d ever wanted to. Instead, she let him fly her own ship whenever he wanted to practice, or needed to get away.

It happened less and less, now. Those days when she found him at her doorstep, hands shaking and fisted in a tight grip, begging her for permission for just one last ride.

She always knew it was a lie, but it never mattered. She hugged him, and promised him once more that she would always say yes when he needed to fly.

Two years had come and gone, but there was no more point in counting the days. It was easier in the X-Wing - when he was flying, time meant nothing anymore. He was alone, with a quiet BB-8 and nothing but the stars ahead of him. They were the same stars Poe’d seen all his life, and Finn thought he would have been fine if he could have lived there in space, this close to being with him, forever.

He felt the rumble of a ship exiting hyperspace, and veered out of its way, swiveling to follow its trajectory and watch it land sloppily down on the Resistance base below. Finn followed, his heart swelling giddy with contentment, because it was the Falcon, and that meant Rey was home.

The X-Wing glided down beside the Falcon just as its deck opened, and Rey hobbled out, clearly injured. On her arm rested another injured man, wearing a flight suit so dirty it was nearly impossible to believe it had started out as orange two years ago.

Finn didn’t need the suit to tell him who was limping against Rey’s outstretched arm. His hair was longer, matted with filth and dried blood, and one eye was swollen shut from recent injury, but none of that mattered. He could have been disfigured beyond recognition, and Finn would still have known.

He all but fell as he climbed out of Jess’ X-Wing. He stumbled, dropping his helmet as his footsteps moved faster, and faster, until he was running full speed for two people that were too close to be prepared for it. He slammed both hands against them, his palms pressed against Rey’s face before they moved to Poe’s, pulling his head up to meet him eye to eye.

He couldn’t see Poe anymore. His tears were blocking his view and he whined, shutting them hard to clear them so he could see Poe’s face.

“Hey, big deal.”

Finn let out a sob mixed with laughter, and yanked Poe hard into his arms. He could hear the whine of pain muffled against him, but he refused to let up. Instead, he wrapped one of his arms around Rey and pulled her in too, shaking with overwhelming relief. 

“You found him.” Finn whispered, already sure of who he had to thank for this miracle. He kissed the top of Rey’s head as she nodded, and let out a hacking cough.

“I found him.” She repeated, burrowing herself into both men for one last warm embrace before slipping out of their arms. “And now I’m grounding him. For as long as possible.” She whacked the side of Poe’s shoulder as she admonished him. “Don’t you _ever_ put Finn through something like that again!” 

“Oww.” Poe whined, faking much more injury from her hit than he’d actually received. “Geez. Fine, mom.”

Finn’s hands were on Poe’s cheeks, pulling his attention back up to look at him. He was a mess, and he needed medical attention immediately, but Finn had trouble worrying about that when he was finally holding Poe again, hearing his voice, feeling his breath. He was grinning, probably too wide to look anything less than maniacal, as he breathed it all in.

“You learned to fly.” Poe whispered, and Finn could feel the warm air of it brushing against his grinning lips. “I knew you would.”

Surging forward without any response, Finn pressed his lips against Poe’s and drank him in, tasting blood and ash and not caring one bit.

When Poe pulled away, Finn tried to chase his lips, and felt Poe’s fingers against his mouth to stop him and capture his attention all at once. Finn met his eyes, reveling in the twinkle he saw in them.

“I just gotta say this. Right now, before it’s too late.” Poe breathed out, his voice husky and smitten. “I love you.”

After hearing those words so many times in message form, Finn realized none of them had ever come close to the joy he was feeling from hearing the real thing.

“P.S.” Finn chuckled out, his smile splitting hard in euphoric content. “I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt was so cute and sweet and my terrible black heart twisted it into THIS. WHY, ME. Well at least everyone's alive in the end. I WAS WORRIED FOR A SECOND THERE.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed my first Stormpilot fic ever! If you liked it let me know, I'd love to hear what you think. Even if it's just "STOP BEING SO MORBID, LANI."
> 
> :D


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